Internet Jetset

In a previous blog, a sort of explanation of Chaserjay was kind of given.

At a Scottish Screen workshop, I knocked up the wee film script below, which was entirely coincidental to CJ.

I classed it as a Rom-Com but was advised by a well-known director that it wasn’t a Rom-Com in the true sense of the genre and recommendations were made to allow it to satisfy that criteria.

So interested readers please criticise, deconstruct, comment or even enjoy.

It’s called SWILL.

SWILL

FADE IN:
1. INT./AIRPORT LOUNGE – DAY
JAKE (43), dressed in kilt and T-shirt, is looking at the flight arrival information board. An announcement is heard over the PA system about delays of particular incoming flights. Jake listens and sighs at what he hears being announced.

2. INT./AIRPORT THOROUGHFARE – DAY
KIRSTEN (45) is walking along the airport thoroughfare, following the signs that indicate the way out.

3. INT./AIRPORT LOUNGE – DAY
Jake is sitting in the airport lounge.

4. INT./AIRPORT THOROUGHFARE – DAY
Kirsten catches sight of an advert panel that is promoting a brand of computer.

5. INT./GENTS TOILETS – DAY
Jake is sitting on WC, his kilt at his ankles, and with a bottle in his hand, he salutes a “Visit the Highlands of Scotland” poster and takes a swig from the bottle.

6. INT./FLASHBACK VIEW OF COMPUTER MONITOR
Cursor clicks and photo of Jake appears. Cursor reveals the text “You are a handsome man Jack”.

7. INT./GENTS TOILETS – DAY
Jake is looking in the mirror. He admires his hairstyle and fingers back his hair. He takes a photo out of his wallet. He looks at it. He looks back in the mirror
JAKE
Yes, you are a handsome man Jack, absolutely fuckin gorgeous.

8. INT./AIRPORT THOROUGHFARE – DAY
Kirsten continues walking along the airport thorough fare. She looks at another panel advertising Scotch Whiskey using the image of a Highland stag. She slightly smiles.

9. EXT./FLASHBACK M8 MOTORWAY, RIVER CLYDE / DAY
A white van is seen going along the motorway adjacent to the River Clyde. Dumbarton Rock is in view across the river.

10. INT./FLASHBACK VAN
Jake is driving. TAM is passenger. Tam opens passenger side glove compartment and takes out a photograph from within. He looks at it. It is a photo of Kirsten
TAM
Wow, She’s a bit of a honey, eh?
JAKE
Aye, no bad, eh?
TAM
Huv ye shagged her yit?
JAKE
Naw.
TAM
Whit, ye huvny, Christ, A’d be up her in a minute.
JAKE
Gie us a chance. A huvny met her yet.
TAM
Whit dae ye mean, A thote ye said ye wir seein her?
JAKE
Aye only oan the Internet, but she’s cummin over here soon.
TAM
Fuck me, you’re some turn Big Man, so yi ur.

11. EXT./FLASHBACK CALIFORNIA VINEYARD – DAY
Kirsten and TROY (55) are sitting in the evening sun. They are in the gardens of a vineyard. Crickets can be heard. Both are sipping wine out of crystal glasses.
KIRSTEN
Please, Troy, just let me do this, please honey.
TROY
OK, OK, but you do know that we could see all of Europe, we could see Paris, Madrid, Rome. It would be a fantastic honeymoon.
KIRSTEN
After this, I will give you my answer Troy, after Bonnie Scotland, Slanje.

12. INT./AIRPORT LOUNGE – DAY
Jake is sleeping on the chair. Kirsten is shaking him, lightly, trying to wake him up.
KIRSTEN
Jack? Jack McNab? Is that you Jack McNab?
Jake awakens. .
JAKE
Kirsten? Sorry, Kirsten, WOW, look at you, Yes, Yes, I’m Jack McNab, I’m sorry I must have dozed off, your flight arrived then? I am really sorry, they said you’d be late, Sorry I was sparko. You look fantastic. Sorry.
Kirsten wafts her hand, indicating a foul smell is present.
KIRSTEN
Thank you. Don’t worry, it’s fine.

13. INT./VAN – DAY
Jake is driving. Kirsten has one leg on the dashboard. Jake can’t stop looking at her tight-fitting jeans.
KIRSTEN
So when will you have your BMW back on the road?
JAKE
Eh… Hopefully in a couple of
days.
Kirsten looks around the inside of the van.
KIRSTEN
Good, ‘cos it’s kinda gross in here.

14. INT./HOTEL ROOM
Jake places the luggage down, he turns to Kirsten, they look at each other, move closer, kiss hesitantly, and then with more passion. They are quickly highly aroused and are fervently trying to undo clips fasteners, sporrans and belts, of each others clothing, simultaneously.
JAKE
(panting)
You are fuckin’ gorgeous
They fall on the bed clumsily due to the entanglement of their clothing. A knock on the door is heard.
VOICE (O.S.)
Will you be wanting anything, a wee toastie, a wee plate of soup, a nice wee cup of tea?
Kirsten shakes her head to Jake.
JAKE
No thank you, we’re fine for the moment.
VOICE (O.S.)
OK Madears, Just let me know if you change your mind.
JAKE
OK then.
Jake returns to Kirsten and tries to carry on from where he left off with her. Kirsten turns away.
KIRSTEN
This is not right… What am I doing… What am I doing here?
JAKE
What are you on aboot… what are yi daen’ here? Yir here tae find your ancestors, find your roots.
KIRSTEN
Exactly, so what’s with all this screwing, it’s crazy.
JAKE
It’s not crazy. It’s fuckin’ brilliant. Your brilliant. You, Kirsten, are absolutely fuckin’ brilliant.
KIRSTEN
Yeah, yeah Jack McNab. What are you talking about, you do not even know me.
JAKE
I know enough
KIRSTEN
And what’s that McNab, that I have good legs, a nice ass and firm tits
JAKE
Aye, that’s good enough for me, although not necessarily in that order of importance.
Jake moves towards her again
JAKE (CONT’D)
Come on, what’s the problem, you are in the presence of a warrior of the Clan McNab. Is that not what ye are here for?
Kirsten stares at Jack. She is angry.
KIRSTEN
Goddamn it, your right McNab, that is what I am here for, let’s go for it. So Warrior Jack, show me your weapon.
JAKE
What.
KIRSTEN
Show me what your sporran is hiding, let us see what you are bringing to the party. I mean you are happy with what I‘ve brought. Right?
JAKE
Aye.
KIRSTEN
Yes. So handsome Jack, show me what you’ve got.
JAKE
Aye, OK, fine, but it’s went down a bit. Can we start again?
KIRSTEN
OK. Let’s start again.
Jake, moves awkwardly on Kirsten. The spontaneity and passion is gone. Jake comes off. He covers himself
JAKE
‘Sno happenin fur me.
KIRSTEN
What?
JAKE
I canny get hard
KIRSTEN
Why?
JAKE
The thing is, see, A’m on pills fur ma nerves like and it hus an effect, well this effect.
KIRSTEN
No wood then?
JAKE
Sorry?
KIRSTEN
Hard wood …Jack, you ain’t getting any.
JAKE
Aw aye, I see, naw, it’ll be fine though, ye’ll just huv to wait a wee while.
KIRSTEN
Oh really, well, I’ll go unpack, shall I?
JAKE
I am sorry.
KIRSTEN
Yeah, as the song says Jack,
KIRSTEN (CONT’D)
(Sings)
Sorry seems to be the hardest word.
KIRSTEN (CONT’D)
and it sure seems to be the hardest thing around here.
JAKE
It’ll be fine, you’ll see.
Kirsten gets up. She is naked. She walks to her suitcase. She picks up the luggage and slumps it on the bed, opens it and takes out underwear.
JAKE (CONT’D)
Please don’t put any clothes back on.
Kirsten looks at him.
JAKE (CONT’D)
Don’t put anything on, honestly, I have never been with anyone as beautiful as you. I just want to look.
KIRSTEN
That’s all very well Jack, but even in this summer this little country of yours is a little bit cooler than what I’m used to, in fact, my little ass is beginning to freeze.
JAKE
I love how you say that, with your accent.
KIRSTEN
Say what?
JAKE
My little ass.
KIRSTEN
My little ass, you like my little ass, McNab.
JAKE
I love it.
Kirsten pulls back the sheet and looks down.
KIRSTEN
Looks like someone is getting ready for battle.
Kirsten gets back in bed with Jack, they resume their passion.
JAKE
You’ll stay a while longer then?
KIRSTEN
You’ve a history lesson to give me. Remember?
JAKE
But of course, my sweet California girl, but on one condition.
KIRSTEN
And what would that be?
JAKE
Marry me.

15. EXT./CLAN MCNAB CEMETERY, KILLIN – DAY
Kirsten and Jake are walking through the graveyard looking at the headstones.

16. INT./HOTEL ROOM.
Kirsten and Jake are making love in bed.

17. EXT./DUNVEGAN CASTLE, SKYE – DAY
Kirsten and Jake are watching the sunset on the sea.

18. INT./HOTEL ROOM
Kirsten and Jake are making love in bed.

19. EXT./LOCH LOMOND FOREST PARK
Kirsten and Jake are walking hand in hand through the trees.

20. INT./HOTEL ROOM
Kirsten is applying insect bite cream to Jake’s legs.

21. EXT./MOUNTAIN TOP
Kirsten and Jake are making love on the boulders.

22. EXT./SITE – DAY
Tam and Jake are building a stone wall in a farmer’s field.
Tam hands Jake a bottle.
TAM
Did ye shag her then?
Jake takes the bottle
JAKE
Aye, Tam, A shagged her.
Jake takes a swig from the bottle. Jake hands the bottle back to Tam.
TAM
Jist the wance?
Tam takes a swig from the bottle.
JAKE
Naw, mair than once
Tam hands the bottle back to Jake.
TAM
Loads a times?
Jake takes the bottle.
JAKE
Loads of times
Jake takes a swig from the bottle.
TAM
Your no in luv, ur ye?
JAKE
Aye, A am, an A’m gettin married.
Jake hands the bottle back to Tam.
TAM
You are definitely some fuckin’ turn, big man, so yi ur.
Tam finishes off the remains of the bottle and then expels a hearty sigh.

23. INT./AIRPORT THOROUGHFARE
Kirsten goes through doors to arrival lounge. Troy is waiting to greet her. They meet and wrap arms around each other.
TROY
Well?
KIRSTEN
Let’s get married.
FADE OUT.
THE END

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