Mel, Welland and Telephoning

Oscar night last night, so important that it makes first item on the news, and why not?
Some good deserving films there this year, apart from Avatar.
The two great Oscar nights in the past for Scotland was when Braveheart scooped a rally, triggering an anti-English backlash, which served as revenge for the night Chariots of Fire cleaned up back in 1981, with the famous resounding speech from Colin Welland declaring ‘The Brits are coming The Brits are coming’ which has been an expectation that has been repeated every since.
Prior to Mel the Brave, totting up the statuettes, there was the Greatest Living Scotsman, who won it for his portrayal of the hard Irish cop, Jim Malone in the Untouchables.
The truth of the matter, and you probably know this is that Sean Connery paid for that Oscar, because he sure as hell never acted for it. He shrewdly campaigned all the big players in Hollywood at the time, with the underlying threat, already in place, whereby he was awarded successfully in court, his unpaid millions from the Bond movies. A force to be reckoned with, indeed.
Sean Connery has always intrigued me. Recently, a friend asked me if I could name any comedy that Big Sean had made, and I couldn’t really think of one until I remembered Darby O’ Gill and the Little People, which I have never actually seen, but it sounds funny.
Connery was, amongst other things, the sexiest man alive, back in the Eighties, a pedestal that I do not think he has been removed from since. Well, who replaced him with that crown, no one that have I heard of, have you?.
In my opinion his best film role, in which he did act a bit in, was The Offence, directed by Sidney Lumet. In This, Connery was a loathsome character, playing against type, a hardened detective, sickened by child sex murders, but also obsessed by them.
He was also notoriously famous for saying it was alright to slap a woman now and then, and has said it again and again, but not having seen him much of him lately, I have a notion that he is fighting Dementia and that is why he is not making movies anymore. Just a notion.
The wee story below ‘Respondez s’il vous plait, mentions Sean. This story was written in ‘Stream of Consciousness’ mode and was published back in 1994, in a magazine called Cutting Teeth, which was edited by Carl MacDougal.

‘Respondez s’il vous plait.

Whit the fuck is this am listnin tae?
It’s fuckin crap.
Whit is it, Leoncavalli ( I Pagillici – Vesti La Gubba: The Untouchables)
Who am A kiddin?
Its fuckin crap
Thir aw crap.
If sumdy phones they’ll no think I wonder whit that classical music is in the background, they’ll no say,
“Tell me whit’s that lovely music in the background.”
“Oh that. That’s Leoncavalli etc. etc. etc.. It’s actually from the film, The Untouchables.”
“Really, you are an interesting guy. Will ye shag me?”
Naw, A doubt it, their mair likely to think they’ve interrupted a funeral.
Naw, it wis a waste o a tenner. A’ll put on Roy Orbison. A’ll time it so they can hear the words;
A candy coloured clown they call the sandman
Tiptoes to my room, every night
Just to…. Awfuck A canny mind that bit
And says go to sleep, everything will be awright.
Fuckit, That’s crap tae.
Nae cunt’ll phone likely.
A dae know aboot the movie right enough, A’ll say
“Aye the Untouchables, the film that Sean, naw A’ll say Seen instead o Sean,
“Aye the film that Seen Connery got an Oscar fur”,
“You mean Sean” she’ll say
“Och A aye say Seen.”
We’ll laugh.
“Hobbies… a bit of writing actually, yes A’m a bit of a Bohemian”
Bohemian, whit dis that mean anyway?
Bohemian: arty, eccentric, non-conformist, off beat, unconventional, unorthodox, way out, weird.
Weird, fuckin weirdo they’ll be thinkin.
A’ll no bother wae the music.
Fuck it, A’ll need tae, they’ll hear they bastards doon the stair and they’ll know A stie in a council hoose, a lotta folk stie in council hooses, hawf o they cunts, probably stie in a council hoose.
Lyin bastards.
They aw say they’ve got their own job, own car, own hoose.
Ma arse.
If they huv there must be sum bilin ex-man lurkin the background want tae kill the first fucker that comes alang. Naebodys gonni phone. A know it.
Aw A want is some company, but no workin class. The workin class they’re so fuckin interesting , aren’t they.
“Am in the building gemme hen. I don’t know a lot about companionship, equality, life , art the World, intimacy, peace and goodwill because A’m in the building gemme hen!
Hen! Sorry aboot that
Bit that’s whit A call a wummin. Hen.
Naw A canny say fuckin darling, dear, flower, petal or even Mzzz.
It hus tae be hen, take it or leave it.
Sorry, so fuckin sorry. Hen!
Naw A work in the building gemme.
A know a lot about shite
Shite, A know a lot aboot, an peeces, an wellies, an urns, an men, hard men, but Am no wan o them because A know fuck aw aboot fitba, horses or dugs or they. Ye know.. They, they that reckon
“Oh aye, they reckon Star Trek is true.”
Who the fuck are they ? Where day ye meet they?
Is summdi gonni phone?
Fuck it, Forget it.
A’ll act no interested then maybe summdy’ll phone because A’m, like , no interested.
Naw, but then God’ll say oh he’s no interested so naebody should phone him.
Listen tae them doon below. A wunner if they fuckin met through Phone Dates.
It’s cost me the best part o £25 quid between that Magic Moments CD and aw they phone messages.
Its no gonni work.
Naw A ‘ll jist leave it.
If they phone they phone if they don’t they don’t
A’m gonni make somthin tae eat.
That tortellini with herbs and garlic stuffing.
“Sorry A’m jist eatin some tortellini with herbs and garlic stuffing. Yes ma ain recipe right enough.”
Och A canni be annoyed, A’ll jist huv a hob-nob. Aye, an whits your favourite biscuit hen ? Jaffa cakes? Really, me tae, that’s simply amazing, I think I love you.”
Naw, this is nae good. A’m no cut oot fur this carry on.
A’ll write somthin.
A’ll write aboot my search for my lost love
Be out there, O friendly face
Time no more I may waste
Destiny please intervene
I promise you I’ll keep it clean.
Fuck it early night.
A good nights sleep that’s whit A ..
Fuck here we go.
Aye speakin,
Whose this?


2 thoughts on “Mel, Welland and Telephoning

  1. Thanks for more wonderful writing. This is very very funny, and yet it rings true and is quietly and resignedly sad underneath. It compares well with Agnes Owens and is even more like James Kelman – I love have this good writing to look forward to reading every day. Alexander read yesterday’s post last night up in his room. I didn’t know he had been reading it but he ran downstairs to tell me he thought it was great.

  2. I just noticed my own bad writing above – I love have doesn’t mean much but I only missed out “to”. I love to have this opportunity to read your blogs and Feexby’ and feel very lucky to know you both.

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