The One About the Pro, The Hippo and The Matron

A strange phenomenon has been taking place with my Macbook Pro, which I will try to explain. I also have a Dell Desktop in my bedroom. When I am online with the Macbook Pro, the emails that I receive do not register online on the BT Yahoo page on the Dell, but if the Macbook Pro is off then the emails register on the Dell, but, once the Macbook Pro is switched online again, it ‘sucks’ all the same emails off of the Dell and keeps them for itself. Stranger than that if I go on to BT Yahoo remotely, I see the emails on the remote PC for seconds, but, again if the Macbook Pro is online back in my house, it ‘sucks’ them all off again. So I put this query on the Apple helpline. Can you tell me why the pro sucks off the mail tool on my Dell.
Oooooh Matron.
All of the previous was true, but as I was writing I invented that double-entendre punchline for comedy effect.

The Comedy Effect. some say I have a great sense of humour, and can be a good laugh. Given the assumption that is true , the very fact that I have said that out loud , will now make it not true. It’s like those funnies that filter through from the USA by email , whereby, just before you are requested to scroll down for the punchline, and half way through that same scrolling down the advice comes, ‘Your’e gonna love this”. at that point my natural instinct is to think,’ No I’m not, In fact I am gonna fuckin Hate this, along with the whole of the US fuckin A , ya shower of bastards’
For the record, I love America and God bless her, but please don’t tell me what I will think is funny. I was never a joke teller as the above construct obviously indicates, and being told jokes is something I find hard to cope with, especially those long story jokes. I think they were originally known as shaggy dog stories, Shaggy dog? No idea why! But, when the teller of the joke , precedes the narration, by informing , ‘Oh I’ve a got a great joke, wait till you hear this.’ my immediate thought is , ‘This’ll be shit’, but then stand and listen to the whole long drawn out dirge, eventually being finished off with something like -‘Hippotamous? I have never even seen one, never mind hearing one fart underwater” Boom Boom.
In my writing dabbles, I have written stuff that is has been very funny and other stuff comes from the deepest recesses of the darkest pits of Hell. Last week I submitted a ‘Proposal” for an assignment in a Screenwriting course that I am currently on. I had choices, but the one I chose was not funny in the least, although I am glad its out my system. Definition of Glad: Pleased; joyous; happy; cheerful, Definition of Funny : causing amusement or laughter; humorous; comical. Similar definitions. Funny isn’t it?
OK so to my maximum 11 readers here is the proposal. Speak Freely

The Proposal:
Jean has organised a 50th birthday party for her partner Tam at their
remote croft in Staffin, on Skye. They have been together for 13 years, ever since
Tam managed to get sober. Tam was in yet another blackout on that last night of
drinking, and grateful that Jean was there, to save him from an ongoing slow
death, in a hellish world of A & E, Mental Wards and surviving on the violent
streets of Glasgow. She had reassured Tam, that what happened that night, should
best be forgotten, for the time being, as they had a better life ahead of them.
She was right about that and Tam loved her so much.
Their friends have been invited from all over Skye. These were friends, who, ever
since Jean and Tam arrived on Skye, were always there for them. Helping,
supporting and assisting in all ways and in all matters. Tam had never known
friendship like it, everyone always telling him how lucky they were to have him
alive. They were all their tonight for him and Jean, and that makes him so proud.
Tam takes his place at the barn entrance and stands tall, greeting his close friends,
hugging them one by one as they give him cards and gifts and then whisper in his
ear, a warning?
What’s this, he wonders, it’s a joke, surely? Especially coming from Black
Bricquet Mick, it must be a joke?
Blind May whispers similar, his enemies are all here, tonight, to celebrate his
birthday and his death. Tam laughs but it’s not funny.
Does Jean know of the joke?
Praying Jack, reiterates the same.
Tam tries hard, and laughs more nervously, but he begins to feel the fear.
The Diamond Twins, Woodcutter Willie, Mammy Beth, they are all in on it. Tam
keeps up trying to see the funny side, but he is becoming more fearful as the
whispers continue. He has not felt this fear for years, not since the old days. He
remembers those days now. Kill or be killed-that’s what he was taught. He looks
out into the dark of Staffin bay, and sees himself back in th city alley, holding a
bloodstained knife, as he stands over the bodies of two youths lying face down on cobblestones.
There is blood running into the gutter. Jean is there too.
She saved him that night.
The well wishers shout for the cake be cut.
Jean leads Tam over to where the two-tier cake is set.
Cameras flash as Jean hands him the cake knife
Tam cuts into to the deep icing, his whole body shaking.
Animal offal and blood oozes from the cake.The crowd applaud.
Tam adopts his fighting stance of his Glasgow days, holding the knife in one hand,
beckoning that the first challenger come ahead. Two familiar youths step forward.
Cameras flash again. Jean calms Tam. The onlookers quieted.
She reminds him of the life he led before that night and how good his life had been
for the last thirteen years and of the warning she gave him that night, before they
struck the deal.
He remembers now, he had managed to forget though, as she suggested back then.
She takes the knife from his hand, he falls to his knees and nods to Jean and he
smiles. She grasps his hair, pulling his head back. She smiles down at him, and
cuts his throat
The crowd Hip Hip hoorah.
Cameras flash.


4 thoughts on “The One About the Pro, The Hippo and The Matron

  1. Well I never thought I’d type this, but: lol.

    That’s for the computer punchline by the way, not the treatment which is very dark and disturbing. I would like to add my name to the list of people who think you have a great sense of humour and can be a good laugh.

    Your sense of humour appeals to me anyway.

    As for the proposal, I think the structure is great and the characters have something going for them just from their names which is quite a difficult thing to do in such a brief outline.

    If I had to be mildly and constructively critical about any of it, I don’t care much for Tam as it stands. I’d like a few “good guy Tam” moments in the set-up to make the end a bit more of an emotional ordeal.

    That’s a minor point though and it’s grand as is.

  2. Hi John I’ve just read this and can picture it in my mind so well that it should be a really interesting short screenplay.

    But I want to know what was whispered, and I want to know what Jean had told him when the deal was made. You may have withheld that information deliberately as it is a 10 minute screenplay and the action makes it unnecessary. Also the suspense of NOT knowing may be the hook. which builds to the dark ending. As you said it fits Aristotle’s definition of a tragedy. Can’t wait to see it filmed.

    I do know I love your sense of humour and admire your writing and imagination.

  3. Your right Kay, there is a need to with hold information here as the next stage is to actually write the screenplay which will have to answer the questions you have raised without too much exposition. Thanks for your encouraging words.I am chuffed both you and John F have responded.

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